Chapter Three

I walked over to the corpse of the beetle, stepping around the guts strewn across the floor. I put my hand on the beetle and the carapace squelched as my hand sank in. Clearly decay had done its job. I gagged and looked away as a pop-up appeared in my vision.

Loot Corpse

Yes / No

I said yes, and the whole beetle began to disintegrate, starting at the top and working its way down. It looked like ash floating up from a fire and disappearing into nothing until the whole thing was just gone. Well, most of it. Its awful-smelling gore remained.

You have looted:

Thick Carapace

Antennae x2

Mandible x2

Gold Coin x2

I moved over to the goblin corpse and knelt down, touching it.

Loot Corpse

Yes / No

I said yes, and the same thing happened to this corpse.

You have looted:

Goblin Necklace

Cleansing Potions x2

I saw Cleansing Potion and quickly opened my inventory menu. I pointed to the potion, and a pop-up appeared in my face.

Cleansing Potion

This potion will cause dirt and grime to vaporize from your body and clothing.

I pulled the potion out immediately and put it to my lips.

The guide looked at me, horrified, and just yelled, “No.” before she sighed and backed away.

I finished drinking it and looked down at the bottle. Right there on it was a little label that read, “Topical use only.”

I looked at her, then back to the bottle.

“What is going to happen to me?”

She frowned and then looked down at the bottle still in my hand.

“I don’t know. Nothing good, I’m sure.”

Then she took another step back, and that was when it hit me. My stomach growled, then growled again, louder this time. I could feel it.

I looked at my guide, pleading for her to do something before the pain hit. I doubled over. Sweat beaded on my face, and my vision began to tunnel.

Have you ever had that moment where you felt like you needed to strip naked before pooping? Yeah. That is how I felt now.

The sounds that came out of me were unholy. My body felt like it was trying to turn itself inside out. And then—just as suddenly—it was over. I blinked, gasping, and realized the dungeon now smelled…lemony fresh. Like someone had nuked a truckload of cleaning products right where my dignity used to be. I could hear distant chittering and pebbles falling from the ceiling, echoing in the sudden silence.

You have purified your system

+1 Constitution (Permanent)

All I could do was look at the pop-up and groan. The absurdity of the whole thing was beyond what I could comprehend, and then my guide topped it off.

“Are you quite done?”

I just stared at her slowly blinking.

“I hate my life.”

After picking myself up off the stone floor for the umpteenth time, I realized it had completely cleaned me, inside and out. I even had a faint lemon scent. Fresh.

YOU ARE STARVING

Effect: Starving — Healing is reduced by 50%

I just stood there, staring down the hall, my thoughts ricocheting in every direction at once. This was too much. What the hell do I do next?

My guide seemed to read my mind.

“Pick a direction and go,” she said. “There are safe rooms all over. You will find one.”

I looked left, then right. Was the chittering I heard earlier coming from the left hall? I couldn’t remember. The sound had seemed to echo from the left… I thought.

So I went right.

I looked up at the torches on the wall as I walked. They weren’t smoking like I’d expect, which was good, because this place would be filled with smoke if they were.

“Hey, guide,” I said as I walked. I didn’t know if she was there or not. “What do I do with my six points? I mean, do I assign them to my stats, or should I wait for a class? Speaking of class, when do I get a choice for one?”

She spoke from right beside me.

“You should assign them. As far as classes go, you will get choices at level five.”

I harrumphed. “Would have been nice to know that before I was starving.”

“You could have assigned them before,” the guide said without a hint of emotion. “But you hadn’t asked these questions earlier.”

I shook my head, a knot of anger building inside me. “So you’re telling me I needed to ask? What kind of guide are you?”

The guide’s voice tensed. “Champions who fail to engage with their own growth rarely survive. Your choices do not reflect on me.”

“Fine,” I said. I was already done with this whole thing. “How do I assign points?”

“I would not do that now,” she said. “Assigning points can be disorienting.”

I stopped. “What is that supposed to mean? Is it painful?”

She turned toward me and sighed. “It can be painful, but that would depend on what you put points in. If you put points into strength, it is said to feel like you worked out hard. You will ache for a bit. If you put a point into wisdom… well, that is something very different. It is said that it causes you to become introspective about past choices.”

I stood there. I’d never considered what forcing a change would actually imply.

Does it change the person I am? Does it even matter, though? It’s not like the person I am is worth anything.

I sighed. “Will this make me a better person?”

The guide looked at me. Her expression had softened, like she was actually seeing who I was for the first time. I was taken aback for a moment because I’d begun thinking she wasn’t even a person, just some kind of program pretending to be one.

“No, it will not make you a better person. It will make you the person you always could be.”

I was about to reply when I heard a nasally, high voice.

“You there, you die!”

I turned in time to see an honest to goodness goblin… except alive this time. Green skin. Big ears. Giant nose. Goblin.

It was running at me with a rusted spear and a toothy smile.

I stood there a moment too long, like I didn’t register the actual danger.

I jumped to the side, but the spear caught me in the arm, and I cried out in pain.

The goblin laughed at me as I grabbed my arm and backed away. “You going to make meal for family, you going to die easy.”

I didn’t know what to do. I was going to be killed by something half my size, and that was it. The world’s worst champion, being eaten by a goblin.

The goblin lunged at me with the spear again, and I moved. The spear tip struck the wall behind me.

Somehow I managed to pull my dagger and swing it wildly. I’d struck it in the arm, and it cried out this time.

Goblin has been afflicted with Decay.

Time Remaining: 56 seconds.

It reached up and slid its hand across the wound, then looked at it. Green blood dripped from the cut. It licked it off its fingers.

“Oh, you are going to regret that. I kill you slow now. I will cut you open and chew on entrails while you live.”

He lunged again and again. I screamed, “I’m dead, I’m dead,” as I jumped back, trying to avoid being impaled by the spear.

The goblin just kept laughing at me, and then its face changed. It staggered a little to the side, and I took that opportunity to jump forward. My plan was to stab it in the chest, but I tripped and ended up slicing straight down its stomach. His entrails burst out, covering me in them as I hit the ground. It fell back, motionless.

You have defeated a Goblin Level 3

Experience earned: 15

I stayed sprawled on the stone floor, blinking up at the ceiling as goblin guts clung to my shirt and oozed down my face. The smell was an awful. Sour. Metallic, and somehow worse than everything before it. My stomach twisted.

I rolled to my side and dry heaved, nothing left to come up. “Why is it always guts?” I managed to croak between gags. If there was an achievement for Most Consecutive Dry Heaves, I was sure I’d unlocked it.

I touched the goblin and looted him.

Loot Corpse

Yes / No

I tried to say yes, but a gag cut it off, and it selected yes anyway.

You have looted:

Goblin Spear

Gold Coins x4

Rat Jerky x2

Goblin Necklace

Empty Water Skin

I saw the rat jerky, and as hungry as I was, I was not eating that.

The guide reappeared beside me. “That was much better. And you looted the corpse. You’re learning.”

“Why didn’t you warn me?” I gagged out. “You could have said, hey, there is a goblin coming.”

She looked at me, irritated. “If a Champion cannot be aware of his surroundings, he will die.”

I picked myself up and slipped on the guts. “So, I’m on my own then.”

She nodded and frowned. “If I could warn you, I would. I am here to guide you through this tutorial. I am not here to hold your hand or tell you how to fight. All I can do is inform you on things you need to know, such as your interface and crafting interface. I can even advise you, if you ask, on where to place points and what skills you should work on training.”

“Okay, fine,” I said. “Does the safe room have a shower? Maybe a place to clean my clothing? I really don’t want to use my last cleansing potion.”

She smiled and nodded. “Yes, sanitation is important, and safe rooms do have facilities for such things.”

I turned and continued the way I was going until I hit another T section. To my right, the hall seemed to open into a huge chamber. I heard goblins talking and yelling. I wanted no part of that, so I went left and walked until I found a large wooden door.

It was rounded at the top, with a horizontal iron band holding it together. Rivets studded the iron band. They looked hammered, not smooth. There was a ring attached to the door, held there by a loop fixed to a square piece of iron that appeared to wrap around the door to the other side.

I pulled, and the door opened with a click and a squeak.

I looked in and saw a brightly lit room. Everything was white. The walls, the ceiling, even the floor. It was about thirty feet by thirty feet. There was some kind of fridge in the far right corner, along with cabinets and a sink. There were two doors on the same side.

The room itself was sparse. A white rug with gray stripes adorned the floor, and that was it.

I stepped in and closed the door behind me.

Once I stepped in, a timer popped up in my vision.

Safe Room

Time remaining: 7 hours 59 minutes

“Where is the bathroom and shower?” I said. I knew my guide was there.

She appeared by the door, her arm outstretched to indicate it was the one I was looking for. As I walked by, she spoke.

“Take a shower, eat, and rest. Then we can go over your status, and I can advise you where to spend your points.”

I nodded and opened the door. The room had a toilet, a shower, a sink, and a clothes hamper. There were towels hanging, soap on the sink and in the shower. It had an odd hotel room feel to it.

“How do I clean my clothes?” I asked.

My guide responded from outside the door. “Just place them in the hamper. They will be cleaned and folded by the time you finish the shower.”

I undressed and dropped my clothing into the hamper. I turned on the water. It was warm as soon as it came out. I turned the knob, and it got hotter, and I stepped in.

The water hit the cut in my arm, and the sharp sting reminded me that I had actually been hurt.

By the time I finished, my clothing was clean, dried, and folded in the hamper. My shoes were also cleaned and sitting neatly on top of the pile.

I dressed and made my way out of the bathroom.

I turned to the fridge looking device and opened it. Inside, I found nothing. There was nothing in the damn fridge.

I closed it and asked, “Where is the food I was promised?”

The guide appeared beside me, looking at me. “You may ask for anything you wish, and when you open the MAGIC unit, you will find it inside.”

I frowned and looked at the fridge. I hadn’t missed that she had called it a magic unit, clearly it must be if it made food out of thin air, then I just shrugged and spoke to the thing.

“I would like a medium rare steak, a fully loaded baked potato, and a Dr. Pepper.”

I opened the fridge, and to my surprise, everything I asked for was there. The smell wafted off the steak, and it hit me exactly how hungry I was.

I pulled the meal out and cracked open the Dr. Pepper, taking a long pull from it. Then I looked around, opening drawers rapidly for silverware until I found it. I grabbed a knife and fork and tore into the steak.

The first several bites I shoved into my mouth so fast I didn’t even taste it. Then the flavor hit me. It was perfectly cooked and seasoned.

This I could get used to.

If only I could just stay here forever.

With that thought, I sighed as I looked at the timer in my vision.

Safe Room

Time Remaining: 7 hours 14 minutes

I could just sit outside the door and wait for it to unlock, couldn’t I? I mean, she hadn’t said I had to explore the dungeon.

But she said it seals. I bet it seals for good, and I have to find another safe room. Damn it, they want us to die. They force us out and into danger.

I needed to get some sleep. I opened the other door and found a bed. Same white everything. This room was about fifteen feet by fifteen feet, and the bed sat in the middle, the headboard pushed against the far wall. I noticed there was another hamper in here as well, and a closet.

I moved to the closet and opened it. It was empty.

“Um, why is there a closet if it doesn’t have anything in it?”

The guide appeared beside me. “I should explain how safe rooms work. Each safe room space is your space. When you enter a safe room, it will be this safe room. If you put furniture in here, it will still be here when you return. You can put clothing in this closet, and it will remain in this closet. A safe room is sort of an extension of your inventory. It follows you through the dungeon. It can be upgraded through purchase or reward. Upgrades allow you to place more items in here. Some rewards extend the time you can stay in your safe room. Defeating bosses often include achievements that increase your quality of life in the dungeon.”

“So wait,” I said excitedly. “This is my home? It belongs to me? What happens to it when I finally leave the dungeon?”

She turned to me, a warm smile making its way onto her normally reserved face. “When you leave the dungeon, you will continue to have access to this safe room. When I said it was sort of an extension to your inventory, I meant that. Your safe room is stored there. And yes, you will have access to it outside the dungeon. It will be in the form of a tent that you can place. Also upgradable to a cabin, but that is entirely for aesthetic.”

“Okay,” I started, a yawn interrupting my words. I was still spinning at having my own place, but I was exhausted. “I’m going to get some sleep.”

I pulled the blanket back and climbed into the bed. I looked at my arm and realized that it had already closed on its own. Something to think about when I wake up. Right now, the bed was soft and warm, and before I knew it, I was asleep.

For the first time since waking up in the dungeon, I didn’t feel like I was about to die.